there is a light that never goes out (gratitude, feelings, gifts and forgiveness)
3 february 2007 10:37 pm

i can't stop listening to early 90's emo
i still dream of being in a band and i stopped caring that i might be too old
the willingness i have to continue to show up for life even when it doesn't feel that great
i have never been grounded like this before
never knew it was possible
i have chosen over the last year to surround myself with people that are interested in being challenged
and that don't have a constant negative attitude
and it's the way i've always wanted to live but was too afraid
getting over needing people to like me to feel good about myself
being okay so often it is familiar
finally learning spanish
and taking nerdy web classes that i enjoy
letting people in
making new friends
traveling
taking care of my finances
telling my dad i have a website
telling my brother i love him
watching my mother grow
seeing you and not trying to get vaildation
wanting the best for people, even the people i don't like
not taking everything personally
people i admire emailing me back!
getting my last thesis signature tomorrow! woo hoo!
having awareness of my limits
asking god for help
mixing and remixing cds to send to josef
watching falcore's tail curl when i say his name
feeling like i have a family in san francisco
baking
art shows in new york
challenging myself
being happier than i have ever been
and all the people that email me about this site
you are the reason i do all of this

i want to be with you everywhere
8 november 2006 6:59 pm

i lost count of how many days we've spent together
it just makes sense
i want you more now than ever before
my face hurts from smiling all the time when we're hanging out or when i am day dreaming of you
and i day dream about you all day
when i wake up thoughts of you are some of my first
i smelled the shirt you left here and for those few seconds it felt like you were really here
i finally get i deserve someone as good as you
as of today we've written three hundred emails since march
i need to figure out how to bronze the three hundredth and first
maybe some lacquer over wood would be sufficient
i've never been able to imagine being with someone for a long time, it is easy to imagine with you
shouting from roof tops
crying all over your shoulders and back and neck
all those love letters i told you about
joking about the farm, but not really
a movie, a dream, a fantasy, a reality
planning vacations on the beach
spending hours on airplanes
making mix after mix after mix after mix all the while wanting to sing you a song
and there are reminders all over san francisco
wishing on a star
dreaming of all the suppers i'll cook and pies i'll bake
and even before i met you i thought about you all the time
and you have changed the course of everything and you have inspired me to create again in a way i haven't been able to in a long time we fit
this is so much more than i could have imagined
just when i think it's as good as it gets you show up and surprise me and then, it gets better
i miss you, i feel it in my chest sometimes and it takes over
and then i remember all the laughing and the pain subsides
and we are so fucking blessed

all the crushes i can remember ever having (in chronological order)
april 16, 2006

jonathan, the grade school play ground
megan from my ballet class
fred savage
corey feldman
danny hill
laurel wells
rod from sparkles skating rink
danny's brother ethan hill
corey haim
jordan knight
ashley kicklighter
robert smith
michael frist
kim marcus
evan, camp counselor
mark
madonna
laura moss
jonathan neuenschwander
will smith, not the fresh prince
chad mcmurray
alex brewer
chad's older brother austin
graham owens
ashton powell
lorna
mark skellie
matthew mcgee
thom yorke
jocelyn haufe
johnny depp
blair patterson
jay rubman
evan o'lander's older brother
matthew myskowski
shawn delaney
doug martsch
aaron platt
stacy rus
isaac brock
hope hilton
chris martin
josh coleman
brian pittman
donald, the bartender at mjq
donald's brother seth
ryan coleman
josiah
drew barrymore
brian waidelich
joe mcintyre
kate moss
benjamin gibbard
nicolas tyhurst
seth childs
sean mcfarland
aaron b.
simon evans
the hot guy at atlas cafe
a waitress at cafe zuni
ginny kleker
katherine moennig
k-town
jake gyllenhaal
josef paquin

playlist for the northwest
april 1 1:23am

her come the warm jets - brian eno
nobody's perfect - dios
your love - the outfield
i'll believe in anything - wolf parade
just like heaven - dinosaur jr.
the mess inside - the mountain goats
toby, take a bow - casiotone for the painfully alone
come undone - duran duran
son of a gun - the vaselines
for real - okkervil river
go west - liz phair
over and over again (lost and found) - clap your hands say yeah
solsbury hill - peter gabriel
when the sun hits - komeit
ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space - spiritualized
if you leave - nada surf
meo blodnasir - sigur ros

getting stronger every day
(rough ideas for signs to be held in public places) feb. 2006

since you've been gone i can breathe for the first time
it's not because i am depressed
i can't be what's wrong with you
i'm not sorry there is nothing to say
eventhough it was painful, i miss you sometimes
it wasn't because i liked her
it would feel so good to see you cry
you said i was the most beautiful girl you ever had
i'm not sorry it's over
thank you for breaking my heart
i loved you so much it killed us both
i'm afraid of the dark without you (not you) close to me
i put my life on hold for you

so this is the new year
and these are things i am excited about (jan. 2006)

not smoking
learning to take care of myself
recording an album
learning to speak spanish
wearing whatever clothes i want to
my show in nyc
finally having a website
learning how to be alone and be okay
working on another book and trying to get it published
going to south america
being in my late 20's
having a studio
getting in shape for summer (i have a while since summer here isn't until october)
riding my bicycle when it stops raining
spending time with friends
getting to know more about my father
watching my kitten grow up
not being so hard on myself
curating another show
perfecting my pie making skills

broken hearts want broken necks
(the break up, december '05 and why it sucks)

my heart is broken
every morning i wake up alone, crying
i keep telling myself this isn't happening
everyone is asking how i am doing since the "break up"
i feel like a failure
i lost a best friend
there is something wrong with me
crying in public
we have two kitties
i am not and was not ever enough
he said he'd "never leave me"
i am not smart or pretty enough
my heart is broken
the house is empty
fucking crying
i miss my little finger in his rough hand
i was supposed to go to l.a. for christmas
i am really fucking sad
i miss him all the time
when he called i knew it was over
broken promises
i have a show in nyc, it's all photographs of us
he's moving on
news travels fast
my heart is broken

reasons (spring fever fears)
2005

i won't find a job after graduation (or i'll have to work at the gap)
this was all for nothing
i am not really an artist
someone forgot to tell me everything i do sucks
my life is boring
my life has to be exciting in order for my work to be interesting (thank you grad school)
life is slipping through my fingers
there isn't enough time (see above)
my stomach is too big
style equals self confidence
sit-ups won't help (i'll have to do too many and i am too tired)
pre-mature wrinkles
never living in the same city as my brother
i'll never have a clean home
nick will never be totally psyched to be with me
people will always want something from me
i won't be able to give it to them (i don't even want to give it to them)
i am going to end up alone because of it
i won't be a good mother
i'll never be able to have my own family (i am not responsible enough)
i already had two chances (#19)
sticking up for myself
people will be walking all over me when i am 40
i'll continue to let people disrespect me
there is no god
nobody will accept me because i'll never accept myself

reasons i will never "make it"
janurary 2005

low self esteem
timid
afraid
lack of constant drive
lazy
only read things that interest me
cannot remember names, titles, movements
theory makes my head spin
don't think enough about how my work fits into an art context
inability to contextualize
persistant fantasy of being in a band, on stage vs. in a gallery
i make nothing that is "sellable"
no commercial value (see above)
inability to follow through
poor writing skills
lack necessary skills to "art speak" about what i create
disinterest in institutional spaces for art
care more what my family thinks about my work than art people

things i cannot stop doing
(but i continue to try regardless of how i fail)
december 2004 (end of the year reflection)

biting my nails to the quick
thinking there is something wrong with me
believe what others say to be the absolute truth
worrying about the future
remembering to eat when i am hungry
judging others
telling myself i am a failure
thinking about myself
expecting others to have morals
expecting people to respect themselves
not returning phone calls
wait till the last minute
crying all the time
remember to get enough sleep
getting sad when i think about old friends
beating myself up for things that happened in the past
picking the dead skin off the tattoo i am having removed
thinking/believing i am never enough
putting others in control of my happiness
thinking i looked better with bangs
wishing i'd win the lottery

fall 2004

some things that make me sad

watching my grandmother get drunk
growing apart from old friends
not being near my family
taking our my fears/insecurities/anger
on those i love thinking about brian (i thought we would remain friends)
i talked with him a month ago (i didn't recognize his voice) seeing people pee on the street outside my apartment
romance novels
war
my brother will see people die
public education

some things that make me feel good

waking up next to nick
being with my family
taking pictures
laughing
asking people how they are doing
writing letters and lists
listening to music
napping in the afternoon when the sun is out
ice cream
soup
talking to my mom
riding in the car with my dad
hearing my brother laugh

some things i want to tell my dad but am too afraid
october 2004

i think about you all the time
you have sad eyes
i want you in my life
i am afraid you think i am incompetent
i am afraid you wish i were someone else
i want to know you
i think you know everything
i wish i was as movtivated as you
i am sorry i was such a bad kid
all the mistakes i have made are not your fault
you are doing a good job
i miss you
i wish we were not so far apart

fall 2004 fears

(self centered)

not being in control
being alone
getting fat
god doesn't exist
vulneralbility
the moment
tell the truth
people are jealous of me
i am prettier than most girls i know

(scary)

sex
airplanes
getting pregnant again
my voice
parents dying
my brother dying in a war
intimacy
i have limited life skills

(average)

saying no
smoking again
being a loser when i grow up
finishing projects
i'll run out of ideas (good ones)
nobody recognizes my greatness (self centered section)
being wrong
women (especially women over 30)
nick will meet someone better than me and leave

10 things that i learned from my grandfather
(my moms dad) september 2004

always stop at the stop sign
brush teeth before breakfast
don't treat people different because they look different
ask people how they are doing, even strangers
call people and let them know you are thinking about them even if you don't have time to talk
education is important
tell the truth
someday you and your brother won't fight and you'll become great friends
walk
don't back down when you believe in something